Phycologist has done one test. Teach rat to turn right in a T shape tube.

First group: put cheese on the right and electricity on the left. If the rat turn right, get cheese, turn left, get electric shock.

Second group, only cheese on the right.

Third group, only electricity on the left.

Which group learn fastest?

The answer is the second group learn fastest. Go and turn right, no hesitation. The first and third group had similar result. When the rats come into the tube, they were hesitating, not willing to play the game. When do anatomy (解剖), both first and third group show problem in stomach. Our stomach has many nerves, if too much pressure, it will be sick.

This test tells me award is better than punishment. This test helps me understand why every time my mother-in-law hesitate to come to shanghai. When I criticized her, it was like electric shock, this bad feeling suppressed other good things.

Positive feedback is like an award. Criticism is like electric shock. Positive feedback, in other words, is praise.

This time, I change my mind and change my strategy, even when I meet something I used to comment. I force myself to ignore. I think I was just commenting but my mother-in-law think it's criticism. Instead I try to find good things to praise. The first change is difficult. One day during dinner time at the table, I said towards my son:" wow, grandma can cook so many delicious dishes, she has continuously cooked for decades, she cooked at hometown, she cooks here, no matter where she is, she never stop cooking, that's why she is so good at cooking. If you continuously do something for along time, you will be good at it too." Then I feel the joy in my mother-in-law. The other day, I said more naturally, towards her, "Mom, this Asparagus (芦笋) is so delicious, it's crisp and juicy." My mother-in-law said:" yes, the one bought in the other day was not good. It was left-over and soaked by water. Although it looks the same, it tastes very different. I bought this one from other market, it's very fresh." I felt the proud she had.

Now I have minimum involvement in every meal and my mother-in-law cooks better and better. If I knew this earlier, I would make her feel proud of what she did. She would had already taken ownership on many things.

It's a pity but it's not surprise I didn't know it earlier. I grew up in such environment. My parents seldom, almost never praised me. But they punished me when I did something wrong. They punished me, orally, or let me kneel on the bench, or by beating my butts. I can judge the severity of my mistake by the type of punishment I got. The problem is I know what I can't do but I don't really know what I do well at home.

This changed after I went to school. I remembered my math teach showed my homework to the class and said: "Look at Lixing's homework, it is neat and correct, you all should learn from her." You know my hand writing was very poor. So I was very serious and tried my best each time when I did my math homework. That praise matters to me. The best timing to shape a person is when he do things right.

Sometimes you might feel it's hard to find good things to praise. Believe me, keep looking, you will find it. Life is not a lack of beauty, but the lack of eyes to find beauty.

Stay positive and give positive feedback, you can change yourself and change others around you.

The electric shock override the effect of cheese.

Although she admits the life quality in Shanghai is better than at hometown, she never show the motivation to come. Now I understand, the criticism she got override the benefit. I naively thought the things I criticized were so small that wouldn't have impact. I even wrote them down as I feel my mother-in-law just couldn't remember, for example, don't enter our room before 7:00, and wash the knife after cutting fruits. I think she never read them. Now I totally understand why she has no motivation and feel pressure. 

I do see good results in the relationship with my mother-in-law, but I do have challenges when I couldn't find anything to praise. How can I give positive feedback to my husband when he lay in sofa and watch cell phone? How can I praise my son when he stay late at night? After I read the four candies tory of the famous educator Tao Xing Zhi. I realize it is still my problem.

One day, when Mr. Tao was the President of Yucai school, he saw a male student was throwing a clay brick towards another male student. He stopped him, and ask him to his office after school. When Mr. Tao came to the office, the student had already waited there. Mr. Tao took out a piece of candy from his pocket and put into the students hand and said: "this is an award for you, because you are punctual and arrive before me." And Then he took out another piece of candy: "this one is for your respect to me, since you stop immediately after I asked you to stop. The student was a bit surprise.

Then Mr. Tao gave 3rd candy and said:" I have investigated that you hit the classmate because he bully female students. That means you have sense of justice and have courage to fight with bad people. I should reward you."

Now the student was crying and said: Sir, I was wrong, he is not bad people. He is my classmate. I shouldn't hit him. Mr. Tao immediately took out the fourth candy and said: Since you already admit your fault. This is for you to correct your own mistake. I have no more candy. Our conversation can end now.

There is no single critical word. But Mr. Tao strengthen the student's merit on punctuality, respect to others, courage, justice and correction of mistake in a bad situation.

Speak with Honesty. Think with Sincerity. Act with Integrity.

The one minute manager, Help people reach their full potential… Catch them doing something right.

The One Minute Manager points out that in order to motivate and help people achieve their full potential, you need to catch people doing something right. They call this process as “One Minute Praising“.

A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader; a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves.

It's easy to say but really hard to do. it is easier to look and criticize other people’s shortcomings (what they did wrong) rather than appreciate and praise their accomplishments (what they did right).

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless." - Mother Teresa

If you have good ways, please share with me.

Here are a few helpful tips to speak with love and kindness.

1. Before you speak, THINK. Always ask yourself: Is this True. Is this Helpful? Is this Inspiring? Is this Necessary? Is it Kind?

2. Stop complaining. Complaining has no use. When people experience a problem they seem to complain to everyone other than the person who can resolve the issue. Rather than complain, try to calm down and then go directly to the person who can improve your situation.

3. Don’t mix bad words with bad moods. We have all said something that we regret. This is why you should not mix bad moods with bad words. You can transform your mood but you can’t take back words.

4. Go out of your way to be kind. Always be kind and be polite. It makes you feel good and others feel good as well - it’s as simple as that.

5. Speak only words you wish to have engraved above the doorway to your future. The words you speak reflect who you are. We are not only a result of our thoughts but also of our words and actions.

Be happy, not because everything is good, but you can see the good side of everything. Speak out the good things and give positive feedback to the people around you. 

Catching people doing something right is a powerful management concept to use with direct reports. It can also be a great way to build trust and camaraderie with others.

The next time you see great performance from a team member, a colleague, or even your boss, let them know that you noticed. Give it a try—I’m sure you’ll see how much stronger your relationships become!