指责型的人特别讨厌。
他们总是充满挑剔、苛刻、愤怒、嫌弃、控制欲强，非常不友好，让我们很不舒服。
其实每个人都是指责型，因为，每个人都有这些时候。然而这并不影响，我们讨厌被指责。
在我们的工作坊里，很多同学谈到过类似的体验。
有的人讨厌自己的父亲或母亲，即使他们已经长大了，父母还是充满控制和嫌弃。有的人讨厌自己的妻子，觉得她挑三拣四喋喋不休，回到家脑袋就嗡嗡嗡嗡地响。有的人讨厌自己的丈夫，觉得他脾气超级不好，张嘴就是你这里不好那里要改。
我们之所以讨厌被控制，其实不仅是因为被要求了，更是因为我们被指责了。当别人告诉你“应该”怎么做的时候，他默认的意思就是你的现状是错的。如果他换种要求的策略，比如祈求你，鼓励你，收买你，你的感觉可能就没那么糟了。
我们之所以讨厌喋喋不休的人，不仅是因为他们话多，更是他们的话里夹着很多不满和怨气，让我们体验到了巨多特多非常多的被指责。如果他们换种方式话多，比如说很多夸你的话，讲你想听的，你就没那么想静静了。
Critical people are especially annoying.
They are critical, demanding, angry, resentful, controlling, unfriendly, and make us uncomfortable.
In fact, everyone is critical, because, everyone has these times. However, it doesn't matter. We hate to be blamed.
In our workshop, many students talked about similar experiences.
Some people hate their father or mother, even they have grown up, parents are still full of control and abandon. Some people hate their wives because they think she is picky and chatty and comes home with a buzzing head. Some people hate their husband, think he is super bad temper, mouth is you here is not good there to change.
The reason we hate being controlled is not just because we're being asked, but because we're being accused. When someone tells you what you "should" do, by default they mean that your situation is wrong. If he asked for a different strategy, such as begging you, encouraging you, buying you off, you might not feel so bad.
The reason why we hate the chatterbox is not only because they talk a lot, but also because their words are filled with a lot of dissatisfaction and resentment, which makes us experience a lot of blame. If they talk a lot in a different way, say a lot of praise, say what you want to hear, you don't want to be quiet.
我们只是不喜欢被指责。不喜欢别人说：你做错了，你不够好，你应该改。因为被指责的时候，我们会很受伤。
当我们受伤时，我们在怎么反应呢？
极少数天才或变态能“无故加之而不怒”，能死皮赖脸或微笑着面对别人的指责。大多数人的反应，只有两个：
愤怒。你若愤怒于我，我必以愤怒还之。你指责我，我就同样指责你。你说我不够好，我就说你更糟糕。来呀，你过来呀，互相伤害呀。我要用更厉害的方式，让你停止指责。
逃离。惹不起，但我躲得起。少一分钟相处，少一分钟受伤。我可以为了停止冲突表面上安抚你，但我心里决定离开你。你不懂珍惜，我也不必留下。我相信就你这性格，老天对你另行安排报应。
这两种方法，都是无意识的自动化应对，最终目的都指向于自我保护，避免被指责。但这两种方式，其实都在破坏关系。
世界上一定还有第三种方法，既能保护自己，又能保护关系。这是条少有人走的路，想邀请你去探索。
这条路就是，思考。
We just don't like being blamed. Don't like it when people say: you made a mistake, you're not good enough, you should change. Because it hurts to be blamed.
How do we react when we are injured?
Very few geniuses or perverts are able to "add without reason and without anger", or to face criticism with a straight face or a smile. There are only two responses from most people:
Anger. If you are angry with me, I will repay you with anger. If you accuse me, I will accuse you. If you say I'm not good enough, I'll say you're worse. Come on, come on, hurt each other. I want you to stop blaming me in a stronger way.
To flee. No trouble, but I can hide. One less minute together, one less minute hurt. I can in order to stop the conflict on the surface to appease you, but my heart decided to leave you. You don't know how to cherish, I don't have to stay. I believe god has a different plan for you in your character.
Both of these approaches, which are unconscious automatic responses, ultimately aim to protect themselves from blame. But both ways, in fact, are undermining the relationship.
There must be a third way to protect yourself and your relationships. It's a path few people take, and I invite you to explore it.
The path is to think.
你有没有想过：
别人指责你，你为什么会受伤？别人控制你，你为什么会愤怒？别人指责或愤怒，那是别人的事，是别人的言论自由，跟你有什么关系？你是怎么被影响到的？
当我们无法改变别人，无法让他停止指责的时候，我们就要是思考：我是怎么被影响到的。
我们改变不了别人的态度，但可以改变别人的态度对我们的影响。
我们对别人的指责，有一种自动化的理解。这种自动化的理解，很多时候也的确是别人的事实，但依然是特别让我们难以接受的一种理解。这种理解就是：
你对我不满意。
指责、否定和控制的意思，就是我现在对你不满意。
多么简单、显而易见的一句话。但你细细品味起来，细思极恐。我不喜欢你指责我，就是我不喜欢你对我不满意。我受不了你控制我，实际上就是我受不了你对我不满意。
我受不了你对我不满意。
我受不了你对我不满意。
我受不了你对我不满意。
我受不了你对我不满意。
……
你听到什么了吗？这句话背后的渴望是什么？恐惧是什么？创伤是什么？你真正的愤怒又是什么？
你之所以没办法隔绝别人的指责，是因为你受不了他人对你不满意，你还在渴望他人能对你满意。
你讨厌别人指责，因为你害怕别人对你不满意。为什么怕呢？当他不满意的时候，就是不想再跟你亲密了，不想再跟你有连接了，就会伴随着抛弃。你无法承受那样的后果，你怕他离开你。
不满意你即抛弃你。这是你内心深处的一个恐惧。
Have you ever thought:
Why do you get hurt when others accuse you? Why are you angry when others control you? It's someone else's business. It's someone else's freedom of speech. What does that have to do with you? How were you affected?
When we can't change someone, when we can't get them to stop blaming us, it's time to think about how I was affected.
We can't change the attitude of others, but we can change the influence of others' attitude on us.
We have an automatic understanding of what others are accusing us of. This kind of automated understanding is indeed a fact of others in many cases, but it is still a kind of understanding that is particularly difficult for us to accept. This understanding is:
You're not happy with me.
Blame, deny and control means that I am not satisfied with you now.
What a simple, obvious statement. But you savor it and think it over. I don't like you to accuse me, is I don't like you to be dissatisfied with me. I can't stand you controlling me. In fact, I can't stand you being dissatisfied with me.
I can't bear you being dissatisfied with me.
I can't bear you being dissatisfied with me.
I can't bear you being dissatisfied with me.
I can't bear you being dissatisfied with me.
......
Did you hear anything? What is the desire behind this? What is fear? What is trauma? What is your real anger?
The reason you can't insulate yourself from criticism is because you can't stand the fact that people aren't satisfied with you, and you want them to be.
You hate criticism because you're afraid of being disliked. Why are you afraid? When he is not satisfied, just don't want to be close to you, don't want to have a connection with you, will be accompanied by abandonment. You can't afford that. You're afraid he'll leave you.
He who is dissatisfied with you abandons you. It's a fear deep inside you.
在被不满意的时候，你会感觉到整个人都不被爱了。那一刻好像是自己将要被放弃一样，特别恐惧。为了抵御这种不被爱、被抛弃的感觉，你就要赶紧阻止他的指责，阻止他的不满意。仿似这样他就不会抛弃你了一样。或者先离开他，这样好受一点。
这就是为什么你在被指责的时候会愤怒。愤怒，是你为了阻止自己被抛弃。
有意思的是：我们想离开指责的人，潜意识里却是怕他离开我。
这个创伤也就很显然了：你活得那么努力，一直在证明自己；你过得那么小心，一直渴望着被好好对待；你受够了被不满意，想找个人能接纳自己。结果这个人却赤果果地告诉你：我对你，也不满意。这时候你的创伤就被激活了。
他并不是第一个对你不满意的人。小时候，总是有人对你不满意。你的爸爸或妈妈，很少或从不对你表达满意。他们要么不说话，要么觉得你好的地方理所当然，不值得表扬。他们只要开口，就是在表达不满意。他们总是在说你这里不够好，那里是错的，所有地方都应该改。这让你对不满意，形成了极为敏感的创伤。
你的潜意识里就有了恐惧。并且习得了一个经验：只有别人满意，我才是安全的。只有别人满意，我才能被爱。
所以为了得到安全与爱，你的内心，一直有一个声音：你能对我满意一次吗？
这个声音，小时候没有得到，长大了你就渴望别人能替你爸爸妈妈补偿，能对你满意。可身边这个人不仅不补偿，还重复了早年爸爸妈妈对你做的那件无数次让你难过的事：是啊，我就是对你不满意。
所以我们讨厌被指责，是因为早年经历再现了。眼前这个人，只是导火索。
当然，也有爸爸妈妈是反着的。他们小时候一直表达“满意”，从来都只表扬。这也会让小孩子的内心形成恐惧：如果我让你不满意了，我还是安全的吗？还是被接纳的吗？
害怕别人指责的人，只是丧失了处理别人不满意的能力。他只能陷入愤怒或逃离的自动化反应里。
When you are not satisfied, you feel that you are not loved as a whole. At that moment, I felt as if I was about to be abandoned. In order to resist the feeling of not being loved and abandoned, you need to stop his criticism and his dissatisfaction. So he won't abandon you. Or leave him first. It'll make you feel better.
That's why you get angry when you're accused. Anger is trying to stop yourself from being abandoned.
It is interesting that we want to leave the person we accuse, but subconsciously we are afraid of him leaving me.
The trauma is very obvious: you live so hard, have been to prove yourself; You live so cautiously, always longing to be well treated; You're fed up with being dissatisfied and looking for someone to accept you. But the man was very pleased to tell you that he was not satisfied with you. That's when your trauma is activated.
He's not the first person to be unhappy with you. When you were a kid, there were always people who weren't happy with you. Your mom or dad rarely or never expresses satisfaction with you. They either don't talk or take you for granted and don't deserve praise. When they open their mouth, they are expressing dissatisfaction. They're always saying you're not good enough here, you're wrong there, and everything needs to change. This leaves you with an extremely sensitive wound to dissatisfaction.
You have fear in your subconscious mind. And learned a lesson: I am safe only when others are satisfied. I can only be loved with the satisfaction of others.
So for the sake of safety and love, there is always a voice in your heart: can you be satisfied with me once?
This voice, as a child did not get, grow up you want others can compensate for your parents, can be satisfied with you. But this person not only does not compensate, but also repeat the early years of mom and dad to you do the countless times you feel sad: yes, I am not satisfied with you.
So we hate to be blamed because our early experiences are replayed. This person, just the fuse.
Of course, there are moms and dads who do it the other way around. As children, they express "satisfaction" all the time and never give anything but praise. It also creates a fear in the child: if I don't satisfy you, am I still safe? Is it still accepted?
People who are afraid of being criticized simply lose the ability to deal with others' dissatisfaction. He's stuck in an automated response of anger or flight.
当你意识到，这是一个自己的创伤问题，而不是一个被指责问题的时候，我们就可以从深处寻求方案了。
我们要反思，不是要思考我是不是有问题，而是思考此刻我可以为自己做点什么让自己好受点。
我们可以为自己做的是：
第一，被满意的需求，是自己的需求，这是需要自己负责的。
这一刻，这个需求没有被满足，他就是对你不满意。这是他的审美观和他自己的标准决定的，不是你决定的。你可以通过愤怒、冷漠、回避、强迫、幻想等手段改变他的态度，但你的需求还是要你来负责。
人只要活着，就总有人对你不满意。无论你跟谁在一起，他总是会对你有不满意。这就是你的，以及每个人的命运。
你小时候遭遇的痛，很遗憾你的一生，还要无数次重复。除非你不跟人建立关系，浅尝辄止，在别人对你不满意前先离开他。
第二，切断不满意即我就完蛋了就不被喜欢了就会被抛弃的脑回路。
不满意只是不满意，只是此刻，此事，不要升华到不满意你整个人，更不要再升华到不被爱、被抛弃的高度。
关系中相互有不满意，是多么正常、日常、亲切、自然、随意、放松的动作，有不喜欢，就表达。但很多时候只是就事论事，不要泛化。
有些人语言能力比较弱，他表达不清楚“我不喜欢你作业做得这么慢，耽误我的时间，浪费我的精力，让我感觉到不开心”，他只能用概括点的词汇“你怎么这么笨”来表达。这不意味着，他真的觉得你整个人都很笨，他只是想说你这次做作业的这道题上很笨。而且说你笨也不是说不爱你了，而是她感觉到被消耗特别累又没有办法处理。
当你意识到他人只是在表达这个事而不是你这个人的时候，你还要有这么大的心理负担吗？
第三，放下你“我想让所有人、所有时候、所有事情都都都都都都满意”的自恋。
醒醒吧，凡人。此刻你让他不满意，是没关系的。不必太介意。承认下“是啊，我就是做得让你不满意啊”，那又怎样呢？
我让你不满意了，我就要改？
“如果他对我不满意，我就要改”，这是你的信念，是你的局限，是你很深的自恋。何苦呢？
第四，问自己：你对我不满意，除了愤怒和逃离来阻止你不满意，此刻，我还可以做点什么？
When you realize that this is a problem of your own trauma, not a problem of blame, then we can look deep for solutions.
We need to reflect, not on whether I have a problem, but on what I can do at this moment to make myself feel better.
What we can do for ourselves is:
First, the needs to be satisfied are their own needs, which requires their own responsibility.
At this moment, the need is not met, he is not satisfied with you. It's his aesthetic and his own standards, not yours. You can change his attitude through anger, indifference, avoidance, compulsion, fantasy, etc., but you are still responsible for your needs.
As long as you live, there will always be people who are not satisfied with you. No matter who you are with, he is always dissatisfied with you. This is your destiny, and everyone's destiny.
The pain you suffered when you were a child, it's a pity that your life, but also countless repeat. Unless you don't build relationships, stop, and leave people before they are unhappy with you.
Second, cut off the brain circuits of dissatisfaction, where I'm screwed, disliked, and discarded.
Not satisfied is not satisfied, just at this moment, this matter, do not sublimate to not satisfied with your whole person, more do not sublimate to not be loved, abandoned height.
There is dissatisfaction in the relationship, is how normal, daily, cordial, natural, casual, relaxed action, do not like, express. But a lot of times it's just the case, don't generalize.
Some people have weak language ability, and they cannot express clearly "I don't like your homework done so slowly, which wastes my time, wastes my energy and makes me feel unhappy". He can only use the general words "how can you be so stupid" to express. It doesn't mean that he really thinks you are stupid as a whole, he just wants to say that you are stupid in this problem of homework. And to say that you are stupid is not to say that she doesn't love you, but that she feels exhausted and has no way to deal with it.
How much do you have to carry with you when you realize that the other person is just expressing it and not you?
Third, let go of your "I want everyone, all the time, everything to be happy" narcissism.
Wake up mortal. It's okay for you to upset him at the moment. Don't worry too much. Admit, "yeah, I just didn't do it to your satisfaction." so what?
If I don't satisfy you, I have to change?
"If he is not satisfied with me, I will change" is your belief, your limitation, your deep narcissism. Why bother?
Fourth, ask yourself: you are not satisfied with me. What can I do at this moment but get angry and run away to stop you from being satisfied?
所以现在，你可以心平气和面对这些控制、指责、否定、挑剔、嫌弃、威胁等类型的人了，像个变态一样。
是的，我们要教你怎么心平气和面对被指责。心平气和不同于被压抑，而是一种神清气爽处之坦然的逼格很高的感觉。
温柔的真诚的心平气和版本：
我让你这么不满意，你还爱我吗？
如果我不按你的要求改，你会离开我吗？
如果他不会因此不爱你，那你怕啥。如果他因此而不爱你了，那你还改啥。
如果你觉得我改了你才舒服的话，那看看你是不是愿意给我更多的爱，让我愿意为你改变下，让你舒服。你要是愿意对我更好点的话，我可以考虑下为你改变。
一句话心平气和怼死人版本：
是啊，你对我好不满意哦，那怎么办哩？
虽然你对我不满意，但我还是不想改，怎么办哩？
我完蛋了，我觉得我有一个爱好。我好喜欢看你对我不满意，眼睛像金鱼一样圆鼓鼓地瞪出来，还不能把我怎么着的样子哎。怎么办哩？你眼睛里面布满了花纹一样的血丝，好好看哦。
这些的基础，又都是，你要学会问自己：
他指责我，是他的事。跟我有关系吗？
此刻，他就是对我不满意了啊。那又怎么了呢？
此刻，我需要让他满意吗？为什么需要或不需要呢？
无论你选择怎么做，看到真相，你可以做出属于自己的选择了。
So now you can be at peace with these types of people who control, blame, deny, criticize, dislike, threaten, etc., like a pervert.
Yes, we're going to teach you how to face the music. Being calm is different from being depressed, but it is a feeling of high pretend bility where you feel refreshed and calm.
Cong's psychology provides not only principles and methods, but also the most direct techniques. Of course only for reference, flexible application.
A gentle and sincere version of peace of mind:
Do you still love me when I've made you so unhappy?
Will you leave me if I don't change as you ask?
If it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, don't be afraid. If he doesn't love you because of it, then you should change nothing.
If you think I changed you to be comfortable, then see if you are willing to give me more love, let me be willing to change for you, let you comfortable. If you are willing to treat me better, I can consider changing it for you.
One calm and grudging version:
Yeah, you're not happy with me, so what are you going to do?
Although you are not satisfied with me, but I still do not want to change, how to do?
I'm screwed. I think I have a hobby. I like to see you are not satisfied with me, eyes like goldfish bulging out, can not put me how ah. What shall we do? Your eye inside was full of the blood silk like decorative pattern, very good-looking.
The foundation of all of this is that you have to learn to ask yourself:
He blamed me. It's his business. Does it matter to me?
Right now, he's just not happy with me. So what?
Now, do I need to satisfy him? Why or why not?
No matter what you choose to do, seeing the truth, you can make your own choice.
