The scar
Do you have any scars on your hand?
If yes, could you tell any stories behind those scars?
Well, I have a bean size scar on the back of my left hand. I had it since 17. One night I had a terrible fight with my father after I failed an exam which we call it Gaokao.
My parents are good at humiliations.
“You will never make it to to college if you don’t listen to me!”. My parents ended the fight with the familiar curse. As usual, I slammed the door behind me, hid myself in the kitchen.
The fire was burning in the stove, with a cracking sound.
The humiliation was turning over in my mind, with a crazy sound: "I will remember this hatred forever!"
Without hesitation, I took a red-hot iron and pushed it onto the back of my left hand.
Several years later, I graudated from college and lived in a city far away from my hometown. We seldom met AND we got along well.
It's great to grow up!
After my baby daughter was born, my parents came to help. I was both excited AND worried.
What if WE?
My fear came true.
My parents never change aND I never change.
WE quarreled with each other almost everyday.
The scar already faded but there was an invisible scar, bleeding from somewhere inside.
I studied psychology, I consulted counselors but nothing changed.
It's great to grow up.
Maybe I should never live with my parents again!
But I must cure the invisible scar!
Before long, I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer.
I knew, I must change when everyone was still alive.
One day after the painful surgery, I walked into the deep childhood memories after I re-read a psychology book which is called reconciliation with Childhood trauma.
From my dark memories, I saw a little girl standing in front of an old mirror, staring at her own angry face with pouted mouth. I recognized her. That was me.
I felt sorry for her.
I asked her gently: “Why are you so angry?”
“They haven’t apologized to me!”
“But you've already grown up and there’s no one to blame.”
Suddenly, tears run down my face. I finally understood why I was so angry all these years. It was nothing to do with the absurd criticisms. It was that little girl inside me was still waiting for an apologize.
After that day, I finally started to live with my parents as an adult. I knew the invisible scar finally started to heal.
Let it go, let it go. The scold never bother me anyway.
It's great to grow up!
Next month, I am going to take one week’s leave. Not for vacation on beach but to go back to my hometown, to refresh my childhood memories with joyful colors.
Dear friends, no matter how terrible your relationship with your parents are, don’t run away. Face it bravely.
The cure only lies in the relationship.
Quarrel with your parents if you couldn’t stand them, but at the same time, trying to observe yourself from a distance. Is that the real you or just a child trapped inside? Are you fighting with your parents? Or just fighting for something you didn’t get as a child?
And it’s time to let it go.
No matter how terrible the storms you’ve endured, there’s no one to blame.
No matter how unfair your parents treated you in your childhood, there's no to blame and you've already grown up.
Let it go, let it go.
