第九天：10月9号
4am梦境：
Goenka 转世，going to be kid of P, I am going to write a book on Go biography.
I got letter from DSM head, that P delivery center is going to be ex-changed, I am not into the olympic committee and some news happened in the period I am not around, all pain.
I can not sleep until 11.30pm last night, what happened.
One way or another, I would do something to hurt myself during the last painful operation, if one thing I would hope never have done it was that in the past, now I am at ease no matter what would all happen.
By equanimity I can do current yoga and anything in life. Now there is pain in the waist, it will all pass by. This is essence of teaching as well, no reacting, in which I am not a quick reactor so far, which means I should practice more.
Figure out yogi is doing mudra with the hands on kneel which I am going to practice. Last day to be serious meditation, enjoy it!
6.55am
我的luxury就是早晨拿一杯chai回房间，补充DHA和维生素，益生菌，写东西，其实还有晨起4.30开始时的星星，北斗清晰可见，所以污染没那么严重，去早餐路上最幸福，看到晨起的粉色天际在树木中透过来，goenka声音透过薄雾传过来，天气尚凉爽，舒适，期待早餐！结果豆子咸死人，我爱吃豆子但只能吃几口，否则一天盐分都超了，一种好像过期麦片炒过paste，也很咸；我只能去吃水果，盛了两次香蕉片，这里香蕉比较有味道，比国内好吃多了，就这样，虽然昨天只吃了早餐，今天也没啥更能补充能量的。
昨晚是多年没有的失眠，身体疼痛部位得到休息，但并不累而且不困，这非常奇怪，尤其每天起早，没有咖啡，一天打坐，meditation does something to me! 翻来覆去，身体某些部位有sensation，但不是持续的，没有任何是持续的，疼痛，煎熬，早晨的晨曦，都会过去，我们要强调的是no attachment，对任何喜欢，享受的事物和人，最重要的是sensation。
也许compassion works，我对周围印度女人多了很多同情，都是胖肯定是社会问题，生活都很辛苦，食物如此不健康，印度是个灵性起源地，但现在状况就非常极端。
我回头要好好学习goenka和gotama，G对gotama如此尊崇，还有为啥佛教在印度落败，估计是其他宗教势力。
早晨2个小时不是flow很畅通，但我告诉自己no craving，要equanimous，还有就是对自己身体，脚趾头多了很多关注，现在想来如果每年10天禁语vipassana不是不可想象，如果在madrid这样地方。如果不是环境social一定需要，我决定这个月禁止alcohol，也许可以分时间段限制自己喝酒，虽然一直比较极端，希望vipassana使我balance一些。我会坚持练习的，起码40天。
昨天问老师：sensation is caused by nadis?
老师：sensation is all over the body, forget all these others!
我就没敢提chakras等等，kalapas, semi-particle I think it is all the same stuff what we are talking, after all, yoga has 15000 years and buddhism wisdom is after it, gotama might be inspired by some of it.
其实社交媒体可以帮助vipassana，回头查一下。last day of serious meditation I told myself I would be so much happier by end of today, well, then we will know it will all pass; nothing so called happy for long, knowing it then we would ask, what is the point of living, if happiness is not something we look for to last; just go through this life experiencing it all, hope next life we get better, eventually we do not have to go through.
I asked Sunny once, I did enjoy all these life, why I want to finish the turns. She said ok if u liked it; but it is true all these lives are suffering, from craving to misery, no end. If vipassana can put it into an end, we might actually enjoy living, do not want to finish the turn. Buddha might just have to finish it, by nature, not by his will. He might help more people if he is turned again and again. In that case would not be such a story to inspire people for nirvana.
Oh yeah, yesterday I was wondering if craving can be finished by vipassana, why the female teacher did not control her diet, turned into such unhealthy and moving difficulty obsess? A good answer can be: not everyone is perfect, not even a teacher of vipassana.
Last night I was thinking why I never thought about DBA during the process, it might be something pleasant? And L at all? Most of time thinking about something which is not pleasant, this trip is a lot of about tough talk.
But now I do not have this strong craving for out and something new anymore; it is the achievement; so I will do the best, and start the wellness program, adding more things on top of to help more other, expecting no return? Or some business return to finance the operation; but it is not necessary has to be big, comparing with whom?
2.20pm
第二天没吃午饭练瑜伽，管家过来check为啥，这和监狱管理类似，有号码，一看15号没到。我一点都不觉着饿，睡4个小时吃一顿饭，这个活法好。
下午练习我当作最后一个下午，珍惜吧，左胯还是隐约痛，我告诉自己it will arise and pass away, 即使一些negative thoughts coming along, it will pass away. 我认为sensation is not coming as mind thoughts arising up, 现在又开始第一天negative想法，but it does not stay long any more; also thought about Hang and Paul business. It comes and it goes, it might be the contribution of vipassana, I do think all pass away, this suffering of practice as well.
到处是蚂蚁，yoga时候到处爬和身上，当然有感觉啦。
5.15pm
it does not get easier I feel a bit 发黑 when I stood up just finishing at 5.05, I feel person in my left side constantly moving, which affects me to move as well, most of people are gone in the hall; I guess when Ge said only a few hours left, I was happy than it is unbearable with the time passing; pain is still there, which I accept it but it feels longer the time moves.
He explains in future we should ideally feel like a water drop in the 头颅， scull? pinnacle ？ freeflow all over the body then old karmas will come back as gross feelings? Sensation? Or gross sensation?
I did not feel great in the past one hour as I feel lost the flow and sensitivities I guess the brain is not focused, but at least I am at ease with it, achieving equanimity as basics.
Almost want to get some food, then I am telling myself, last day, hold on, at least I can say I am least heavy so far for a long period of time, it does help without food to meditate.
My sensation is coming to cross randomly, which I am already feel good about it, but should not enjoy it since it should be passed by just like that; sometimes difficult to grasp the balance.
It is some pain on the back, let u see how long this will stay and pass by.
8.35pm
Misery and attachment: my drinking problem, to hide my own misery, all caused by myself.
Punish myself with the so called mistakes of others for so long, a guy won case for 7 years then suffered severely for the time spent to suffer in the process
Egolessness with donation.
50% mistakes by myself then 100% by myself when developed in vipassana.
Compassion and tolerance: which I did not behave well with the 打嗝大叔.
Living a life of monk and nun for 10 days to dissolve ego, beg for food is dissolving so called "mine".
Most people who said love family is actually to love self only, love is no return expected; love for all is compassion and real love; queen told king she only loves herself after meditation.
Self-image in the others; goenka being abused by a guy on the street, who is his son with his 5 students, different sensation arising up. Cute story.
Strong determination: gotama said if I am not enlightened I am not getting up; which sounds easy, let us sit for one hour no movement then we will know.
10 jars: parliament of reach slightly enlightenment and even hard to remember!
Panga? Final goal!
