承认我的症状并没有什么帮助。慢慢地，冥想却是真的起作用了。
我用了两年半的时间试图用逃避或者抗争的方法对付抑郁，但都没有用。我被无情的自我惩罚的思想笼罩着，沉重、紧张的四肢，无端的心悸和直肠痉挛，我做了所有一切去摆脱自己每天不断地如地狱般的存在。
新工作？打勾记入了日程。治疗？正在进行。搬家？已经做了。药物：不停在吃。在我28岁生日的前几周，无论做什么都无法把自己从忧郁和恐慌混杂、包围的危险境地中转移出来。
我不明白自己做错了什么导致这个情况？而我表面看起来生活是非常幸运的（我受过很好的教育，前途无量，家庭和朋友都很支持我）。
我需要学习的是明白直接对抗不愉快的想法和感觉很难，而且反而使它们持续存在。 当经历了生活中一些紧张的事情 --诸如：恋情失败，第一次买房，意识到错误的职业--就开启了这样一段人生经历，我有相当长的时间深陷于试图抗争或者逃离这困难感觉的状况。对应这种焦虑，就像是一个掠夺者要吞噬我，感觉非常不适应--我越是试图抗拒或者逃避，越使得我精疲力尽。
从某种程度上讲，我知道我无法逃脱自己--就像俗话说的，无论走到哪里，自己总是如影随形。我可以宽慰地说，虽然在最具吸引力的时光，我看起来并没有明显的自我伤害--走向极端的自我挣扎，但要怎么做？我一筹莫展。
通过我不停地自救式的阅读，我发现了冥想。我偶尔会试着做几分钟，但很快，因为不能按我的经验去感受，希望像佛陀那样的平静，我因此害怕而惊跳起来。但是我仍然明白这是一种正念--如果我能找出对当下的友善的方法，那至少当生活并不如我的计划那样时，我有一个应对的方法？
最后我想说，与其一直读冥想或思考人生的书，不如找到可以实践的方法。这是非常重要的--我的老师知道让我慢慢地开始（喝茶的时候，想着茶，每天都安排一个很短的时间段，只是静静地坐着），并向我确保我那些像急流一样的念头和情绪没有什么不正常的，重点是我怎么和这些念头和情绪相处--与其想要停止或者消除它们，不如开始从不舒服当中得到舒服，让对于一些事情或者任何事情的绝望欲念自己走掉，让更好的事情发生。这是感觉极大的直觉反驳，但还是没有释放。
逐渐地，我的冥想延长到每天10 - 15分钟，我还没有感觉到更好--因我心灵模式中的侵略性和逃避性已经根深蒂固，但转变已经发生，下一次当我在焦虑的疯狂中崩溃，我称为病了，我待在家中从自我放弃到接受自己。我能感受到这种感觉，让思绪慢慢地走，尽量保持在当下不慌不忙中，尽管想强烈地大叫。十天以后，一个周五的早晨，我躺在浴缸里，那个忧郁的症状过去了，在过去近三年的时间里，我第一次感到高兴。
这个进程一点不快。过去几年我经历过很多次旧病复发，但过去以后，复发不那么持久和强烈了，我的生活走向平和的方向。我相信就像花茎一样，不是很小的部分，从持续的冥想承诺，教会了我我平静地与喜悦和痛苦打招呼，它帮我理解了导致遭受折磨的习惯，也同样给予从中开解的方法。
现在我已经更加能够承受并温柔地和情绪低落或恐慌的症状相处，有时它们和我一起走。回应我我身体和思想的呼唤，我已经能够让生活有了一系列重要的改变了，而这些改变曾经看起来是多么遥不可及。
15年前，我从没想到有可能从我灵性的痛苦中走出又亲切地走向它，带着宁静和微笑。做和再做的轮回的回报，虽然十分困难，但已经远远超过了我最疯狂的希望。
原文：
Facing my fear: to conquer depression, I had to embrace it
I didn’t think accepting my symptoms would be helpful. But slowly, it became clear that meditation works for me
I’d been running from or fighting my depression for two and a half years, and neither approach had worked. Relentlessly dogged by self-punishing thoughts, heavy, tensed-up limbs, heart palpitations and a churning gut, I’d done everything I could to shake myself clear of the continuing hell of daily existence.
New job? Tick. Therapy? Been there. Move house? Done that. Medication? Script after script. Nothing I tried would shift the unholy mix of gloom and panic that had engulfed me a few weeks before my 28th birthday.
I couldn’t understand it. What was I doing wrong that kept me in this state, when my life (good education, good prospects, supportive family and friends) looked so privileged, on the surface?
What I needed to learn was that it was the very resistance to unpleasant thoughts and sensations that kept them going. While a series of stressful life events – relationship break-up, buying a first property, realizing I was in the wrong career – had triggered this episode, I had a much longer-standing and deeply rooted pattern of trying to battle or escape from difficult feelings. Reacting to anxiety as if it was a predator about to eat me was spectacularly maladaptive – the more I tried to fight or flee, the more agitated and exhausted I became.
At some level, I knew I couldn’t get away from myself – as the saying goes, wherever I went, there I was. And I’m relieved to say that although tempting at times, I didn’t seem capable of overt self-harm – taking the struggle with self to extreme. But what to do instead? I had little idea.
Through my endless self-help reading, I’d come across meditation, of course. I’d even tried it for a few minutes, now and then, but soon leapt up in horror when my experience was nothing like the Buddha-like peace I hoped would ensue. Still, there was something about mindfulness that made sense to me – if I could find friendly terms with the present, might that at least be a way to cope when life wouldn’t bend to my plans?
Finally, rather than reading about the meditative life, I sought out practical instruction. This was vital – my teacher knew to start me slowly (mindful tea-drinking, some short periods of sitting quietly each day) and offered reassurance that the torrent of thoughts and emotions I encountered was nothing unusual. The key was in how I related with them – rather than trying to stop or get rid of them, I began to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, letting go of the desperate desire for something, anything, better to happen. This felt profoundly counter-intuitive, and yet somehow freeing.
Gradually, I worked up to longer sessions – 10 to 15 minutes a day. I didn’t feel better yet – my psychic patterns of aggression and avoidance were strongly ingrained. But a shift was happening, and the next time I collapsed in an anxious frenzy, I called in sick, stayed at home and gave myself up to acceptance. I felt the feelings, let the thoughts trundle through, and did my best to stay present and patient, despite the urge to scream. Ten days later, lying in the bath one Friday morning, the symptoms of depression passed. For the first time in nearly three years, I felt happy.
This was no quick fix. I’ve experienced many relapses over the years, but over time they’ve diminished in length and power, and my life has moved in the direction of peace. I believe this stems, in no small part, from a sustained commitment to meditation, which has taught me to greet pleasure and pain with something more like equanimity. It’s helped me understand the habits that lead to suffering, as well as offering a means to untangle from them.
I’ve become more able to withstand and work gently with the symptoms of low mood and panic that come to walk with me, sometimes. Responding to the calls of body and mind, I’ve been able tomake a seriesof major life changes that once seemed entirely out of reach.
Fifteen years ago, I wouldn’t thought it possible that the way through my psychic torment was to turn kindly towards it, with stillness and a smile. And yet the rewards of making and remaking that turn, difficult though it is, have gone way beyond my wildest hopes back then.
