Dear S,

hi, S. Maybe you are surprised for this letter. Let me make it srtaight. I like you and it has gone on for about 10 months. This emotion changes me a lot. I prepared for the finance phd programs, I took courses related to finance, and I googled you all the time. I now feel sick about myself.

I am not so brave as I thought. My sister wrote an email to my mom several days ago, and this email break me down. She asked for money, again. My mom only has 8000 yuan which should be used for my applications. I cannot stand seeing my sister starving and having no money for the rent, so I told mom to make her priority. But mom hesitated. She told my sister about the use of the money. Then my sister found another way to raise the money. The puzzle seems solved, but I almost lose the courage and motivation to go forth.

Now I am sitting in my room and thinking of you. I can hardly feel the emontion I once had when I was in front of you. Life has revealed itself so ugly. You sold a closet for 35 Euro on ebay, and I found it out by google. I once stared at your bag, your coat, your scarf. They were old and you changed them with better ones. I didn't mean to offend you, instead I could not help looking at you and being curious about every detail of you.My family might no long own this apartment when it becomes necessary. Last night, I somehow woke up in the midnight, and I looked outside my room. This city was so quiet and so lovely, and it looked like a sleeping baby. Peace, love, hope, safety...All the wonderful words came into my mind in a sudden. I dare not to fall asleep again. Just like someone you love so deeply and now is sleeping around you, you must want to look at her, appreciate her beauty and try to seize the happiness in such a desparate way. 

I often find reasons of not liking you anymore. You don't like me or we are actually not matched. But that evening when you, you extremly shy boy, talked to me and tried to live up the conversation, I decided not to doubt at you anymore.

But what obstacles me is not the realistic of love, but the lost of strong motivation. How can I make up my mind, to pursue a risky dream at the risk of its failure, and the risk of my mom's home?

I have no time to think but to work harder and harder, for this is the only way to gain better opportunities. My dear S, if I got the chance to stand in front of you again, I will speak it out loud: I like you!