On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate loving yourself?

I never thought of this question before my bestie Jessie Zheng said to me 4 years ago: Ting, you should love yourself more.

At that time, I worked more than 60 hours a week on average. I spent the rest waking hours on studying to pass all kinds of exams in order to get certificates like CPA\CMA ect., in order to be a professional accountant. I don’t have much time to enjoy life but I don’t care, because I strongly believe that I will be successful future CFO! Then my mom, whom was never satiated with me, would be proud. Also, I'm a nice companion to my friends, I'm willing to put others' need in front of mine, because I want them to be happy and I want their love.

So  when I heard what Jessie said. I was like, what? I am willing to spent the majority of money on investing my brain, and the majority of my time on working and studying in order to be a better me.no one loves me more than myself! if anyone ask me to rate loving myself，I would at least give myself a 9!

Then why, why she said I should love myself more.？

I don't have a answer for it until this year.

In the beginning of this year, I was assigned a mission impossible. It was like, you have to finish a whole month job which you're not familiarwith within 3 weeks. I was so afraid that I will not finish it on time, fear of failure drove me to work from 9am-12pm almost every single day in a row for 20 dayseven when I got COVID-19. Good thing is,I made it! My boss was relieved and happy. Bad thing is, I was desperate during that period, because I can't make mistakes, and I got to solve all the problems all by myself. I doubted myself almost everyday because I'm not familiar with that companybut I have to close the year end book in a limited time,challenge happens everywhere.

After that I got the feelings of depression and exhaustion. I start to reflect what brought me into this situation.

I've ever got the chance to say no because that was not my duty while I was fully occupied by my own duty, but I didn't, because my boss said I'm the perfect one for that mission,and I want my boss's acknowledgement. The motivation of achieve the task at all cost is not that I want to, but I fear that my boss will be disappointed at me. I want to please him.

Growing up, I always tried to please my parents and close friends, even though the price of pleasing them would make myself unpleasant to some extend.I never realized that deep down in my heart, I unconsciously took for granted that my feelings are not important compares with pleasing others. That's why Jessie said I should love myself more.

Pain plus reflection equals to enlightenment  and improvement . I got my answers, loving yourself is not only related to money or time but more importantly, stop pleasing others if you heart say you can't and you don't want to, speak out your my needs, don't fear of saying no.

It took me so long to realize how to love myself and start loving myself.I took efforts, because old habits grows deep down in your mind.

But when istart loving yourself, life become more colorful.

When I start loving yourself, I taught myself to accept all my negative emotions, speak out for myself even under pressure, and don’t feel guilty for it.

When I start loving myself,I start to treat myself like I treat my loved ones, please myself first before pleasing others.

Gradually, my mindset changed, I don’t care so much about what other people think of me like I used to,especially rumors and bad words about me. Because I’m happy to bemyself, even the bad side of me.

Today I want to share my journey of growth with you because After gone through all the sufferings and reflections, I felt much stronger and happier than before. if any one of you felt the same like I used to, I hope you can stop blaming yourself, stop pleasing others while you don’t want to, and start to love yourself, then see what will happens.

第一，尊重自己的情绪，勇敢说不。

第二，接纳自己，尤其是接纳负面。

第三，隔绝负面。

接受自己的优点，包容自己的缺点，就跟你爱一个人是一样的。

很多人之所以内核不稳定、情绪不稳定，其实是因为有太多负面情绪。

而复盘一下，很多负面情绪的来源，其实都在于我们“对自己不满”，从而不断地自我攻击。但换一下焦点，将自我攻击短板，改成自我肯定长板，转换关注点。以这样的态度，尊重事实——接纳负面——再看积极面，人就不容易自我否定，反而会鼓励自己，发挥得更好。

面对新陈代谢慢下来带来的减肥减不下来，尊重科学，循序渐进，其实隐形条件是“好心态”。

我们说“美由内而外”，其实真不是一句空话。这种“自我接纳”其实会体现在方方面面，汇成一种独特的魅力。接受自己的不完美，但能看到自己的优点，自己就是自己。

有“自我接纳“打底，就会少很多”自我攻击“。

但要守住内核能量不流失，还需要掌握的技能是隔绝负面。不攻击自己，也不攻击别人。理解对方不是针对自己，只是发泄情绪，就可以平静。

”做好自己能做的“不摆烂，更要理性梳理哪些不是自己的责任，拒绝被PUA，从而隔绝伤害。

这种”实事求是——吸取教训——隔绝伤害“的态度，其实也是要由内而外修炼。

”遇到外界刺激，调整内在状态“是维持内核稳定的关键心态。

心态很健康，能量没流失，外化就是外观也能保持得很好，而这又会反哺内在的稳定。

事实上，很多人面对与预期的落差，往往会选择”不接受——病急乱投医——自暴自弃“。

爱自己的终点是内核稳定。