Just have some random thoughts on a random Saturday. I don’t usually share them on any social media but now I do see it as the canvas to document bits and pieces of my thoughts/ideas/emotions before they slip off my mind.
This was the photo I took during a weekend gateway in Toronto two years ago. At first I was attracted by the brick building; however, once the father and the cute baby girl came into my sight, I couldn’t move my eyes away (after a few candid shots the father realized that I was taking pics of them and he left with his daughter right away).
It’s a bittersweet moment. Anything family related will make me homesick immediately, but at the same time, I know my mom and dad are always there for me whenever I need them.
As some of you already know, I’ve never spent my summer break home because I don’t want to miss any opportunity to work and travel as much as I can to prepare myself for the career development. I have been absent from the Chinese Lunar New Year family reunion which is usually in January or February three times in a roll, but I’m determined to make the tradeoff between class and family time.
I know it sounds selfish and cold-hearted as all I have on my mind is about myself: my own wellbeing, my school, my grades, my time, and my job, etc. Also, honestly I don’t talk to my parents on a regular basis via chats or video and it has been less frequent. The 13-hour time difference is always a bit tough to manage.
Why am I doing this? It might not be something that everyone can relate to but that’s what I live by. I see taking good care of myself, doing well in school, and building my career overseas as a way to compensate for the time I could have spent with my family. My parents will be more concerned if don’t have a clear direction in my life and have my time wasted. Don’t take me wrong - they are not the typical Asian parents who demand me to be successful and earn them Mian Zi. I know they will be more happy that I am doing things I have the passion for and live the way I want to.
However, there’s actually something I still feel super guilty about. On the next morning of my college commencement in June 2017, I found out that my mum was diagnosed with cancer and just had her first surgery. Shocked as I was, I understood why they didn’t tell me in advance because they probably didn’t want to ruin the day of my college graduation ceremony.
I burst into tears and I called my best friend right away. After calming myself down, I talked with my parents and got to know more about how she was doing. Still, I didn’t go home that summer as it’s our mutual decision to save money on the round-way flight tickets and I could have time get organized and ready for university.
I didn’t remember how many times I went to sleep with my pillow being wet. Although my mom sent me a lot of pictures of her smiling, I could feel she’s in a lot of pain due to the surgeries and chemotherapy. I was home briefly in May before going to Cannes and she looked like a different person after just a month. We were still very lucky as a family that the cancer was at its early stage and it’s curable.
The moment I saw my parents waiting for me at the arriving gate at PVG in December 2017, my eyes were wet instantly but I held back my tears. Seeing my mom in person was another story. The change in her appearance and her overall condition made my heart ache. At the very beginning, she was wondering why I didn’t look happy to be home. Little did she know that I was having a battle and trying hard not to cry like a baby.
Apart from not being able to accompany my mum while she’s having the hardest time of her life, I feel guilty about not being able to share the burden on my dad’s shoulders. He was always busy at work while I was young. It’s not until recent years that I realized how great and supportive he has always been to me.
After I told my parents I wanted to study overseas, he took me to a quiet room and only asked me one question: do you really want to study abroad? I looked into his eyes and I said yes. Thank you for trusting me and letting me choose my future and working hard to make it come true especially in terms of financial support.
And just about a week before I left for Canada in 2015, he said to me during dinner time that 你以后不管想在哪里生活爸爸都支持你，无论天涯海角,爸爸妈妈永远都住在你的心里. I admitted that I’m literally crying while writing this down. I want to keep it in Mandarin to preserve authenticity. That’s my mother language which has a very special emotional link to my heart.
Growing up in Shanghai where over 50% of the labor are from other provinces and cities, I was surrounded by people who live far away from home and seek for a better living. Now I am one of them. I reckon I have the privilege to live a decent life in the first tier city in China and have the opportunity to pursue my study in Canada. However, I can probably understand more after all these years about the decisions and sacrifice people make for their future. At the end of the day, we are all human beings who all have puzzles to solve in our life.
It took me more than a year to verbalize my feelings and thoughts towards the change brought by cancer. Writing them down means that I have reconciled to whatever happened in the past, and I am now heading to the next chapter of my life.
There’re certain things we have to learn in life, and we have the freedom to pick the vehicle to get there at our own pace. I have chosen to study and live in another country. I am ready for the good and the bad, and I will cherish each and every of those moments.
