Recently I've been intrigued by the topic of bullying in school.
My son and my god-son, and my son's best friend, all age 9, are very connected to the top of "Bullying" recently. They think about it, talk about it, take actions against it, and even come up with a improv performance last night when the three families get together.
Let me put some background information here: the three of them each have been through some kind of experience being bullied in school. My son was bullied when he was in PR(age 5), had a big conflict with and isolated by his classmates (age 7). My god son was quite excluded in school when he was in Canada as a new immigrant (age 4-6). My son's best friend has been bullied in the past several years till now.
As the mother, I personally had some experience of being in a power struggle and was isolated in PR. Since Grade 3, I became more and more in power in the group dynamics.
I also observed other cases in school where kids being bullied, or getting into quite fierce conflicts. This gets me quite intrigued in the bullying, conflicts, and group relationship in school kids in general.
What's really happening?
I don't really have the answer. I just like to explore.
Last week I was attending Group Relations Conference. It was an opportunity to learn about what happens in groups. It provides me an interesting way to look at it.
The central ideas of Group Relations/Group Dynamics are:
- The behaviour of an individual in the group, is not merely the behaviour of individual. It's driven by group unconsciousness.
- The group mobilise individuals. The individuals cannot mobilise the group.
- How the group choose who to mobilise is through Valency - the frequency one shows repeated behaviour.
If I translate this into the bullying in school, this is what came to me:
- The bullying is not one kid bullying another. It reflects a group's need to bully such kid.
- The group mobilise one kid, who has the strongest tendency to use his body/language to show aggression, to represent them and attack the kid being bullied, on their behalf.
- The kid being bullied, represents something the group does not like about themselves (it can be weirdness, weak, stupidity, out of control, powerlessness, meanness, etc.). Because the kids does not like to connect themselves to such attributes, they try to push away the kid in the group who represent such quality so that they can have less anxiety and feel more peaceful as if they have nothing to do with such attributes.
- Because of the risks involved, most kids just push away such attributes in their heart, by avoiding to talk to such kid and not attacking them - they hold their aggressions for the sameness of safety. But the need for avoidance and attack is there. The group, thus unconsciously pick someone with high valency to attack the "annoying" kid.
- As the attack happens, the kids may feel good tempororaly as they just attacked the part in themselves that they don't like. They made a distinction between "themselves" and "unwanted attributes". They hidden desire is to feel "I'm good."
- Unless intervened, the behaviour of the bullying child and the children who unconsciously mobilise the bullying child, have a big chance of getting reinforced. As the bullying child felt good to be in power, and the other children feeling good to depend on someone else to do what they wanted to do.
- The child being bullied, on the other hand, struggles to understand why this happened? What did they do to cause this? Did they do something wrong? They feel disliked, and excluded by the group. They may start to self doubt.
What are the solutions? - some thoughts
- First of all, any real solution requires the teachers/parents to be able to stay conscious and open, not be buried with emotions/reactions out of fear. It's very easy for teachers and parents to enter a fight/flight mode - i.e. either fight on it, or avoid it. A good approach would be: "Any bullying and conflicts is a good learning opportunity for the kids, and adults are there to support the learning."
- Everyone in the group to take responsibility of their own emotions. The teachers/parent, can guide all the students in the group to reflect about:
1. Attributes - "What is it that I don't like in X (kid being bullied)"
2. Feeling - "How do I feel when I see that attributes?"
3. Consciousness - "When do I feel about the same attributes in you?"
4. Needs - "What do I need in those moments?"
For example, it can go something like this:
1. Attributes - "I don't like her being very mean and telling on me to the teacher. "
2. Feeling - "I feel angry and wants to bit her."
3. Consciousness - "Sometimes I'm very mean to people, for example my mom, I say bad things about her behind her back."
4. Needs - "I need someone to listen to me when I feel mean with my mom."
It takes training and practice for the children, in fact anyone, to express their feelings/emotions authentically, without a need to hide/be ashamed of their emotions. It also takes a safe and trusting relationship for the expression of emotion to happen.
When the kids express their emotions, they have a much lower need to project such "bad" emotions onto others and attack them. The kids who bullying others feels less "responsibility" to "attack" the "annoying kids" on behalf of the group.
- Coaching/therapy to the kids bullying and bullied, and their family behind.
The kids bullying and being bullied, together with their families, are facing their best opportunity to learn and reflect. But hardly any of them can do so without help. School or entrusted third parties should come into help.
Children's behaviour in school reflects the dynamics in the family system. Using the same Group Relations Theory, children who bully others, take the role to balance his/her internal need as of the result of family system. He/she may be bullied at home and take a powerless position, felt angry and anxious, as such need to gain the sense of power and control at school by attacking others. Or he/she may be the bullying kid at home, to compensate for the family system where no one express their anger.
